Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I Know a thing or two about choice...pt.2

Well, it's had to follow a post about your son's suicide note so I thought it appropriate to continue the story of how I chose life for him.

When I was a sophomore in college, I thought I was grown up enough to handle a grown up relationship. After less than a month of giving up my virginity, I found out how completely unprepared I was. I was 19 and pregnant. (I went to a wonderful organization that was incredibly supportive called Crisis Pregnancy. If you need help, I highly recommend them.)

I told my boyfriend. His only repsonse was, "Can't you get rid of it?"
It?
I told my best friend. Her response was, "Cakes. Listen to me. You have to have an abortion. What about your future? You have so much going for you?"

over and over this was how my friends responded. I had only two friends who never mentioned abortion. one of them was Dearie. Truth be told, I knew I would never get an abortion. I already felt that love...but that didn't stop the pressure. It didn't help that I was a member of several feminist organizations on campus. But I couldn't for the life of me understand why if they were so gung-ho about my right to choose, why didn't they support me after I chose. Why did I become a pariah, why did they act as if I had betrayed them, why did they call my growing baby "The Parasite?"

I was terrified, of course, to tell my family. But, once they found out they overwhelmed me with support. I had been especially fearful of my grandfather's response. A large rock of patriarch. An old world Irish Catholic Marine. His response melted me, "But for the grace of God, go I." And I was suddenly comforted by the embrace of my faith. What better community to be a part of at this time in my life, than the church who fights for my unborn baby?

But this comfort was short-lived. Once I began showing, Sundays became more and more uncomfortable for me at my suburban church. The nasty looks, the rude though subtle comments. And the day I walked up to receive Communion and was turned away by the priest. In front of the whole church, he told me he hadn't seen me in confession so I couldn't receive. He didn't know I had confessed to the priest from my childhood.

I made contact with a couple who had been trying desperately for years and years to get pregnant. They were looking to adopt. I did not want to give up my baby. I loved my baby. But the injustice of it struck me, even then. Here were John and Megan. They had everything together. They were incredibly wonderful people. I spent time with them getting to know them and knew that they would give my baby the life that I would want to give him. We talked about where they would live because they were a local couple and I just couldn't imagine the pain of having my child growing up so close but without me. They were outdoors people, curious people, life of learning people. They were so perfect. Why couldn't they have a baby and here I was dumb kid knocked up less than a month after losing my virginity? I felt like in some ways I owed them this baby. It was only fair.

I cried and cried for months. I wanted him. I didn't want to give him away. And when I was six months pregnant, I had a dream. In my dream the Virgin Mary sat beside me and put her hand on my belly. She said, "You know, Jesus was an unplanned pregnancy. I was very scared. I was stigmatized. but in the end, look at what a special gift He was to the world. God chooses us. Who are we to wonder why." When I woke up, I knew that this baby needed me to be his mother. But, I had to let John and Megan know. ugh. I put it off for a couple of weeks. But I knew I had to let them know I had finally come to a decision. And I am still so ashamed of this...

I left a message on their answering machine.

A couple of months later, John called. I told him how sorry I was about my message. He shushed me.

Megan was 3 months pregnant.

I jumped up and down screaming with joy. I have never in my life been so happy for anyone's pregnancy in my life. It was like God telling me, "I got this one. You go ahead." I knew then in my heart I had made the right decision. When John and Megan's son, Quinn was born I went to their house with Baby Skaterboy. I sat and held Quinn and cried and cried.

2 comments:

Chookooloonks said...

An amazing story, and what a happy ending for you, John and Megan.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

I found my way here from IVFC. I am so very glad I did.

I am also the mother of 5. My first child conceived under similar circumstances as your first and the rest gifts of GOD and ART and adoption.

Your story moved me more than I can say.

Thank you and God Bless you and yours.