Lessons in Bees

Today Jellybean told me that she is a little worried about school because "Mary" is in her class. Last year "Mary" was a developing Queen Bee and Jellybean was genuinely confused by her fickleness. and her meanness.

It was incredibly apropos because I just finished confronting a Queen Bee in my own life so I was able to talk with her from a very fresh perspective. But, I'm afraid I burdened her with a curse more than alleviated her concerns. It would appear that she, like me, was born to battle these creatures. And on the one hand I felt a little proud but on the other my heart broke for all of the future heartbreak she is facing. So, I tried to arm her as best I could. Here is what I told her, from one Queen Bee Slayer to another.

I wish I could tell you that girls grew out of this phase. That somewhere hearts were softened and insecurities were wiped away and these Mean Girls turned into compassionate, open women. But that would be a lie. You will meet Mean Girls your entire life. The first lesson that you have to learn is how to recognize them. It is easier to simply avoid their reach altogether than to have to slip out from their grasp once you realize what you are tangling with.

A sure sign that you are dealing with a Mean Girl is if she tries to cozy up to you and get information from you about other people, your friends. She may sound supportive or sympathetic. She generally shows up an opportune time, like when you have just had an argument with one of your friends. Trust me. This girl has no interest in comforting you. She only wants to use you. Your best response..."You should ask her that yourself."

The second and hardest lesson you need to learn is that when you go up against a Queen Bee, you are going alone. Even if you are going to defend your friend against mean things that the Queen Bee has done. You will look at the Queen Bee and all her "friends" around her and when you turn to find comfort in seeing your friends behind you...you will hear the wind in the trees and gravel under your feet. But you will not hear the sound of someone backing you up. I've done this countless times. I wish to God that I didn't feel like I had to fight these battles. But, I truly can't help it. And the worst feeling is knowing that you are standing there completely alone. Even at my age when I know that it is the case, I still hope...and my heart still drops. But, if you choose to stick your neck out and stand up to her, (and you don't have to!) know beforehand that you will be standing alone. No matter how many people told you that this person needed to be brought down. No matter how hurt and upset the person you are defending is, in the end it is your neck. alone. And nine times out of ten, you're going to get your ass handed to you in a pretty package with a bow on top. And after all of that, they will come out of the woodwork to tell you how great it was that you stood up to the Queen Bee.

And the last lesson...nine times out of ten? It won't have changed anything. The Queen Bee will still reign. But you? You have stood up to injustice. You will hurt. But, I have to believe that somewhere in the universe this little flap of butterfly wing has brought about an act of great love.

Update on the Moving...

As some of you may remember, we were in discussions with a church in a rural area that had some really appealing things attracting us. Namely, the thought of 10 acres for the kids to go nuts on. After continuing those discussions we came to the mutual decision that it just wasn't a good match for us. There were several issues that were holding both parties back. They have since called another pastor and I pray that they work well together.

Since then, we have entered into new discussions with another church. This one is in an urban area very similar to the one we live and love in. There are a couple of concerns, such as schooling, but I have been told that the church has an endowment to pay for the schooling of the pastor's children. I don't know if they had 5 children in mind, but that certainly will be apart of the negotiations if it gets that far...and we are praying that it does. And, I ask that you do the same.

The thing about this church is that it is alive. Even though Chowder and I have made the conscious decision to serve in under-served areas (we've done both rural and urban), this type of ministry can drain the very life of you. Especially, when there is no community to fill you back up again. When Chowder was called to the congregation we are currently serving, it was to be a short term call. He was to help this church discern whether it was time to close or merge, or whether they wanted to dig in and make an attempt at a new life. They really chose neither. The head of our region has actually encouraged Chowder to look elsewhere because he is wasting away at this church. Wasting his substantial, God-given gifts.

Skaterboy grew up with no church community. No youth group. Often the only child in a congregation. He's 18 and we can't drag him to church. It offers nothing for him. And frankly, it offers nothing for the rest of us. It only demands of us. And we are tired. I can't tell you the number of times we have tried to start a bible study only to be sitting alone. The kids have no community. The sad truth is that we need some time in a congregation that just loves all over us.

This other church has that. It has 1800 members. It has a head pastor. Chowder would be the Family Minister. It believes in faith in action. This church is doing ministry. It is serving. It is getting its hands dirty. I get giddy just at that the thought of having my family surrounded by that. upheld in that. We've been lonely for too long.

Things seem to look good. They feel good. The head pastor has expressed nothing but enthusiasm for Chowder's candidacy. So, please keep us and that in your prayers as the conversation goes on.

I mean....what's not to love?!

Common Focus (transferred from other format)

It all goes by so fast. Even these days right now where I am scrambling and exhausted. or maybe MORE these days because I am scrambling and exhausted, I feel it all just slipping through my finger tips. They really do grow up so fast and right before our very eyes. Sweeting was *just* born! Wasn’t she? Weren’t they all?

Some of it is a welcome adjustment, such as the way the kids are able to pitch in more now that they are older. This week’s chores are Jellybean and Ladybug washing and folding one load of laundry a day (I still have to do another load, but still!) and The Meatball is spraying and wiping down all the bathrooms everyday (I clean them thoroughly once a week) and Porkchop is feeding the pets and cleaning up their waste everyday. That part is really nice.

But, that also leads us to the other places. The peer relationships that can be so tricky to navigate. The popular toys that go against our values. The introduction of media that we feel is too mature for them. This is where the growing up gets sticky and the test for how well we are holding on to our family’s values and identity. This is where I find the real struggles of parenting. This is where second guessing can begin to plague me. Is it really important that we don’t watch High School Musical, yet? What are my reasons for that again? Barbie? Power Rangers? In the end will really matter? Am I making a mountain of too many little mole hills? Aren’t there more important core issues that I need to stand on? But then aren’t all these little pieces a part of holding on to the core issues? How do we decide which activities we participate in?

I read once in one of the million parenting books that I have read, that each family should write its own mission statement. This idea intrigued me because mission statements are so key to the non-profit organizations in which I participate. The mission statement should be short and to the point and then help an organization or family focus its...well, mission. An organization cannot do everything. That dilution of mission means that it will do many things poorly instead of a few things well. So, if something comes up that does not fit in our mission? then we simply don’t do it. Girl Scouts? A great organization but if it’s not a part of who are family wants to be, than great! Decision made. And not just another thing that we have to add to our list of things we are doing. It is too easy for a family to fall into the “do many things poorly” trap. and Hannah Montana? Bakugan? Does it fit with our values? no? yes? super decision made. As we start embarking on this next phase of family life, it would be good to have a common focus.

When Chowder gets home I think we will be investigating this further. It will make each individual decision easier when we have a larger lens to look

Discernment (or what will it take? Green goo oozing from the walls?)

Whenever I have watched haunted house movies (which isn't very often. because, well, because they're scary and I don't like scary.) I always look at the people in the movies with complete disgust. I mean seriously. If the flies covering my walls wouldn't get me out of there the voice yelling, "Get OUT!" would. I can attest to this because the last house we lived in was haunted and as soon as Jellybean started having conversations with imaginary people who had no feet and she would yell at them, "Don't touch me your hands are so cold!" Guess what we did? That's right. We moved out.

Now every now and again there comes a time in Chowder's ministry that is a crossroads of sorts and we have to decide whether it is time for us to move on or whether we should recommit ourselves to the place that we are. Chowder's original position when we came was to help the church decide whether it was time to close or whether they could reinvent themselves and let the Holy Spirit drive them in a new direction. The chose the second option, but not with their hearts.

I wrote about the last time we recommitted ourselves to this place about 18 mos ago. The time before that, we bought a house across the street from the church. The day after the sale went through we received a notice from the city that our property taxes had tripled. The next time, as I wrote, we had our van window broken out and Chowder's iPod stolen just 20 minutes after he had come home from the gym. How could we have expected that someone would break out a window that quickly when it was 7:30 in the morning and there is a near constant stream of traffic down my little one way street while everyone is leaving for work?!

This time Chowder and I sat down and talked it over. The church is running out of money and the 150 yr old building is in desperate need of major repairs. The congregation is not able (or perhaps willing) to do the work necessary for a redevelopment and Chowder is bored and unsatisfied with his ministry. So, after much discussion we decided that he would right a letter to his church council before the next council meeting about approaching the neighboring church (same denomination) that is just on the other side of the park about merging our congregation with theirs. He would stay on for a year to help with the transition and then move on. The whole process would probably take 2-3 years in which time he would be able to complete his Doctorate.

This would also give the school (the one my kids go to) time to find a permanent location and possibly time for Skaterboy to graduate from high school (But Kids, that's a whole other sad and sorry tale). Plus, since this congregation isn't demanding much of Chowder's time and they are paying us a livable wage, it is the perfect place to be while raising a young family and doing his doctoral work. And even more than that, he will be much more desirable as a candidate to other congregations if he doesn't leave here as a pastor of a failed church (no matter HOW little fault that is of his) but that he completed his job to merge the congregations and on top of that he then has his doctorate.

It's a good plan. a sound plan. a plan that gives us flexibility as a family, as well as leads his congregation to healthier place.

So, what would you think if you woke up and the car that Chowder's parents had been lending us, until Skaterboy got his license, so we wouldn't have to drive the gas guzzling Behemoth if we weren't taking the whole brood somewhere...
was stolen.
from the church parking lot.
with Chowder's bible and bible commentary on the front seat.
and his robe.
and the materials for the Regional Disaster Relief conference (he's on the regional committee) he had been attending on the back seat?

What would you think? Is this the green goo?

at least the car had no gas in it. and I mean no gas.

*deep breath* I'm actually going to do it...

A year or so ago, I requested information from St. Mary of the Woods on their Women's External Degree program. I swooned and fell in love. Nothing touches my spirit like education geared toward women. I loved my all girl high school and love that this is primarily still an all women's college. Their distance learning program was set up in 1973 for women just like me. Just paging through the beautiful brochure, I felt so at home and so drawn...but also so unworthy. My attempts at writing my essay for the application started at pathetic and moved on to reeking of desperation.

In the sixteen years since I quit college and became a teen mother, I have been unable to shake the judgment that society had put upon me. I thought I had risen above it all and told society to, in essence, "Bite me." But, it turns out that is not the case. I internalized every disgusted look and every sigh of disappointment. And when the time came to express myself as the self-confident, self-reliant, self-appreciative woman of purpose and humor with endless possibilities and capabilities that I thought I was, my facade that surrounded what I really thought of myself shattered and I was left with the aforementioned pathetic desperation.

So, I put away the glossy course catalog and my application forms and thoughts of finally getting my bachelor's degree. Then, this past week on the way to my brother-in-law's house in Indianapolis, we drove through Terre Haute. As we drove past the exit, I was pulled off the highway like there was a string tied around my heart. And on New Year's Eve 2007, I made the most important resolution I have ever made. One that I am destined to succeed at. I will be attending St. Mary of the Woods College this year. I will.

I just made my first step. I registered for the Open House that will be held January 14th. I know once I talk to these women and they talk to me, we will figure out how to make this happen. My stomach is churning and my chest is fluttering and my eyes are watering. It will probably take me 10 years to finish, but this time...I will

I think I might be addicted to Redemption.

I was talking with Chowder about what it is about us that we can't seem to stick with things that we know are good for us. Not just know are good, but that we actually physically, mentally, and spiritually reap huge rewards from. Whoever said that 6 weeks of something forms a habit, has never met me. Right around 3 months is when I throw in the towell. That was the absolute hardest time when I quit smoking. You get a little complacent. You think you have it all under control, so one little slip won't that big of a deal because you can just hop back on the wagon. and then, it's all over.

As I finished my laundry, I went to open the drawer in the kitchen to get a bib out for Ladybug. And lo and behold, there was a bib. A little wash cloth to wipe her down? a neat little stack of them sitting right next to a similar stack of bibs. How easy. How convenient. How much more smoothly mealtime went. needed placemats to set the table? A whole drawer of the buffet filled with crisp ironed table lines. Or this morning when the kids went to get dressed? get this. They opened their drawers and chose some clean folded clothes, made their beds with all of the right sheets on them, brushed their teeth and went downstairs. ingenious.

You see the last few weeks have gone more like this...get up and go into the laundry room, dig around in the pile of clean laundry that's on the laundry table and then through the dryer searching for clothes for the kids. Decide that my son wearing girl's underwear for a couple of hours is not that big of a deal and throw the clothes from the dryer onto the pile on the table and then realize that the washer has gone sour so I re-wash the clothes in the washer and throw in a couple of pairs of Porkchop's underwear. The same looking for bibs. The same trying to be creative looking for something to act as a dishtowell. etc. etc.

Obviously scenario 1 was much, much easier. My life was much calmer. much more in control. It lead to everyone having a better, easier day. So, what is my problem? Why can't I keep it up for longer than 3 months?

Same with cooking.
Same with money.
Same with prayer.
Same with exercise.

As I thought about this, what is the big payoff for my "sin?" What am I getting out of this cycle of behavior? I realized I am a Redemption Junkie. I love the redemption. The honest truth is I get a huge rush from taming the chaos. I switch into manic mode and I redeem myself. I redeem my finances, my laundry, my soul. I get to wipe the slate clean. get a fresh start. I'm all Prodigal Son coming home.

Think this is too far a stretch? Don't think for one second that I didn't mentally kill the fattened calf when I went from this to this. Because I can tell you people, I did. And Chowder killed me a fattened calf, too, when I cleaned our room. Even my absence from people's lives. Sure, I need to retreat sometimes, especially when my OCD is acting up (which it is), but isn't there part of me that is just a little brat loving you all killing the fattened calf for me? for my homecoming?

But, let's face it folks. The older son is boring with a capital B. Yes. yes. Slow and Steady wins the race. But, don't you think that the Tortoise is eyeing the Hare and just wishing he could have so much fun? I know letting things slide into mayhem is hardly whooping it up. And I know I didn't fall into a bout with wine and prostitutes (well, with prostitutes, anyway). But, didn't I "squander my wealth in wild living?" Didn't I know that God's life of order is best, simply because it is the easiest way to live? So, how do I find that rush in the simple maintenance of living? How do I live the life of the older son without the need for tangible redemption? How do I make it past that 3 month mark?

Pledging myself to the walls...

I finally finished Where God Happens by Rowan Williams. I've been reading this book for eight months, now. It is not a particularly long book (121 pages), but it is a particularly dense book. I found myself reading a few pages and then having to put the book down to stew about it for awhile. As a matter of fact, I could really stand to read it again. There is just that much in it. It is a study of the desert mothers and fathers (I know. I'm throwing a crazy amount of links at you.) and how their teachings still apply to our world experiences today. One of things that really spoke to me about this book, is Williams's continual reference to our own self-dramas. He talks about starring in the dramas that we conduct in our heads and how this comes between us and God. so true. drama queen, here.

He breaks the book into 4 parts. But, it's the third and mostly the fourth part that have effected me so much the last couple of days. The third part is titled Fleeing:

Our Christian speaking, then arises out of "fleeing," running from what makes us feel smug and in control, what gratifies our longing for approval and respect.

What you are ultimately "running" from is your compulsions, and in the desert fathers' sense, in "fleeing" you are making a break for freedom. So it isn't a matter of trying to run away from yourself but running away to yourself, to the identity you are not allowed to recognize or nurture or grow so long as you are stuck in the habits of anxious comparison, status seeking, and chatter.

So, yeah. I got alot of this stuff going on. Especially the self-starring dramas and the chatter. Sure. sure. We know this stuff, right? It's a good reminder and maybe a bit more specific than frankly I would like. But, then the question becomes, "I know what I should flee, but then where am I supposed to be...to stay?"

That's the fourth part Staying. Williams illustrates this teaching with the story of two monks, an elder and a brother struggling with temptation. The elder's advice was this,

"Go. Sit in your cell and give your body in pledge to the walls."

I love this.

First off, the monastic cell is not the same as a jail cell. It is a place of contemplation and deep prayer. But, it was also their "place." their reality. And this is what the elder was advising the struggling brother. To pledge himself to the reality of his life, not the unreality. not the fantasy world. not the dreaded "if onlies." If only we made more money, if only my children went to this school, if only my husband did more around the house, if only. or the equally destructive "what ifs." What if my child got cancer, what if my husband was unfaithful, what if we were hit by a tornado, what if my family was in a car accident. what if. This is not our reality. This is not the life God gave us to live. This is some "magic" world that doesn't really exist. Williams talks about committing ourselves to our real lives and our churches the way a spouse commits themselves in marriage. This does not mean you can't try to improve yourself or should give way to apathy. Absolutely not. That is not the way we commit to each other in marriage. But, we agree to live with each other and to work with each other and to be God's love in the world.

Well, all of this got me thinking about Chowder's and my situation. We've been stuck in the "if only" and "what if" mode. If only this church would do this, if only Chowder went to another church, if only we were paid more, if only. Then, we would be happy and satisfied. We always seem to be looking to move on to the next thing. The next job, the next house, the next baby. Once we have all that, then our life will start. our faith will become real. our bad habits will be lost. our ideal selves will come to the front. Perhaps, what Chowder and I really need to do is pledge ourselves to the walls around us. Work within the reality of the life God gave us. Pledge ourselves to live this life. now. And we began to talk about this possibility. this promising of ourselves. And we decided to pray and think on it and wait for God but wait for God within our walls.

I began to re-examine our budget. I decided, "Of course we don't need more money. I just need to be more intentional about what we have to spend." So, I carefully rationed out our week's worth of money. We were paid on Wednesday and by Wednesday evening everything was allocated and I was feeling quite proud of myself because I had covered our usual expenses and yet still had money for Kiva loans and to buy the kids some needed Spring clothes and shoes. I was feeling very much in control and thinking, "Yes. We just need to commit ourselves to our walls. our reality. We have alot of work to do around here. now."

Thursday morning we found this.

Phew! That was close!

Turns out there's already a Dream Cakes out there! Rebecca is already living that life goats, biscuits, tea and all. That takes a lot of pressure off. Thank you, dear....though Chowder now wants to move back to Ireland. hmmmm....seems you've solved one dilemma only to start up another. That's not progress!

Welcome Baby Uisce! *sigh* Could she be more adorable...

A Matter of Purpose...

Chowder and I went to a Financial Seminar to learn some of the things that good grown-ups should know. And one of the keys to getting your finances in order, is to get them inline with your Life Purpose. (capital L capital P).

Now, every book I seem to be reading right now, keeps harping on this same theme. this Life Purpose theme. I feel like I have a vague sense of life purpose (lowercase l lowercase p). A kind of gossamer hold on what type of person I want to become. I see my future, fantasy me way out there. but she tends to taunt me and haunt me with how little like her I actually am. I begin to wonder if it's just not possible for me to be that Dream Cakes. Perhaps, I'm trying to go too much against the grain of who God made me. convenient, eh? but is it just convenient? or is there some shred (or more) of truth to it? can we become a different sort of person just by sheer determination and brute force?

Let's have a look.

I would love to express my self creatively through visual arts. of some kind. I feel the need to create beauty. I think their is a spiritual calling to this type of creating. I have no discernable skills. I have never learned how to "do" any form of art. I am not worried about being a "hack." I truly couldn't care less. but I do want to be able to make tangible, physical in form, what my mind already sees.

I would love to be an orderly keeper of my home. I feel a strong spiritual calling to make my home a place of welcome and refuge to not only my family but whoever finds themselves on my doorstep. I want to live and breathe hospitality. I want to fill my family with healthy foods. I want my home to be a place of rejuvenation for Chowder whose ADD brings him nearly to a standstill when he encounters too much chaos. too much inconsistency. I want my home to be the place where my children's friends want to be and therefore where my own teenage children will want to be. safe.

I would love to be lighthearted.

I would love to have a beautiful garden where my children can hide and play and imagine. A garden with nooks and fairies and teddy bear picnics. A garden with a little pond and stepping stones and a bullfrog or two. A garden that is an extension of the home. A place of refuge and welcome. where we can eat our summer BBQ. where we can lay on the grass and watch the clouds.

I would love to spend my money intentionally. Knowing where it is going and wasting none of it. Spending it to a purpose of practicality, spirituality, and plain old good fun. I want to stop living in denial and just crossing our fingers that each month will come out alright.

Yes, I think all of these things could happen with determination. If I made the choices to make them happen. but all of those things...well, really, they are just behaviors. They don't describe the person I want to be. They aren't a Life Purpose. They might be how I live out or express my Life Purpose, but they aren't the Life Purpose, itself.

Let's try again.

I want to be a Woman of Joy

I want to be a Woman of Faith

I want to be a Woman of Hope

better. that one I definitely cannot do on my own. even with brute force. that one will take some divine intervention.