for those who saw my melodramatic post yesterday...

we're...fine?
so, there I am looking for scissors in Skaterboy's room. And on his windowsill I see a list he has written of 10 reasons he should do his homework. I thought, "ah. poor little bastard." He's flunking out of school again b/c he doesn't turn in homework. of any kind. We've been fighting about this for years. We told him that if he wanted to remain in this private school, where they really are great with him, he needed to pull a C average. He's capable of waaaay better, but at this point a C average would be a dream. If doesn't pull the C, then he's out. We'll homeschool. He'd get kicked out at this rate anyway, and it's clear that school is NOT working for him. I hate what it does to his self-esteem and his stress level must be through the roof.

he has a history of depression, plus OCD, plus ADD. But has been off his anti-depressants since May. He hated them. Last week he asked to go back on. We are still waiting for an appt to get more. nice. He had been drug tested at school and that bummed him out alot. That he was doing do poorly in school that they thought he was on drugs.

So, under the list on his window sill is another paper. written very very neatly. my son does not write anything very very neatly. It starts out "To Whom It May Concern." To whom it may concern? How about the whole fucking world?! How about the whole fucking world?! That's who would lose if the world lost him.

So there I am, standing in his empty room, reading his suicide letter...





my god.





Dearie comes upstais when I haven't come back with the scissors and finds me frantically going through Skaterboy's trash can. Pages and pages of wadded up homework. done. but never turned in. WTF?! Pages from his song notebook. pictures he drawn. He doesn't even think it's worthy of giving away!

Dearie takes the note up to Skaterboy's school to find the head counselor who is also Skaterboy's homeroom teacher and soccer coach. The get together with Skaterboy and the staff psychiatrist. Skaterboy makes fun of my super sleuthing because he wrote that letter 6 months ago.

6 months ago.

They talk for hours. Sometimes just Skaterboy and the Psychiatrist. While I am sitting at home clutching my other children, tying to seem fine. It is determined that he is at no immediate risk. We have an appointment with his therapist on Monday.

Skaterboy and I talked. He says he would never do something like that. That he's too scared. Is that the only reason? He's been hanging out with the family ever since. not hiding in his room. He's seeing the idea and opportunites available through homeschooling as a good thing. He seemed glad that we found it and now hopeful...hopeful.

but once a mother has read such a thing...she is never the same.