Thursday, January 29, 2009

Desert and Rain

I've been thinking a lot about a time lapse video I saw at some point in my life. I can't find it, of course. It was of a desert. It starts dry and brown. Then in sweeps a huge dramatic rain storm complete with lightning strikes and a deluge of water flooding the land. After the torrents of floodwaters are gone, there is a brief pause as the desert seems to try and figure out what the hell just happened. And then...well then, life bursts out every crack and crevice. Out of no where flowers who have been dormant for years just start exploding into bright ridiculous colors. There are no other words to use but exploding, bursting words. It's life unable contain itself.

So, I've been sitting here for a couple of hours drinking my Godiva chocolate liqueur infused milkshake, searching the internet for this video. I need to see this video. It is the time lapse version of my soul. As I have read back over my "Matter of Faith" posts, I noticed one very strong theme. Fear and Drought. We've talked about God poking me in the eye and saying, "Now wait one minute, Little Lady. You are the one standing far off, not me!" (Yes, God calls me "Little Lady") And it's true. It's all true.

We've also talked about the fact that I have been diagnosed with OCD manifesting itself as Obsessive Morbid Thoughts and Religious Scrupulosity. In essence, my brain has turned God into my adversary. Instead of thinking of God as a protective loving force over my children, he is this maniacal super villain just waiting in the dark to snatch up one of them. After all, he has already done so six. times. As much as I want to believe that God loves my children even more than I do, it just can't be possible. I have to prove that I love them more so that he will say, "Ok. You win. They should stay with you." Like some sort of twisted custody arrangement.

I wasn't raised with this God. This is not the God of my formative years. I was raised with the feel good father of the guitar Mass years. No, this is the God of my childbearing (and not-bearing) years. In the past, I have fallen into the camp of praying prayers like they were magical spells and wearing medals as if they were talismans. Both complete heresy. But now, I've taken a new course.

Shhhhh. I'm hiding from God. Do you think he can see me? It reminds me of Ladybog playing hide and seek with her brothers and sister. She puts her face into the pillow and assumes no one can see her. That's me. I've become a runaway. I've made myself an orphan. I am in the desert of my own making. And as much as I want that rain storm. And need that riot of life renewal. As much as my soul is withering away to nothing in this arid landscape, I am too afraid of what that rain storm might look like. So, I am careful not to ask for it. I'm very cautious not to mean it. After all, what would the lightning strike? My husband? One of my children? What would be washed away in the flood? Just my fear? or also my life? leaving my children motherless. Which of my idols would I have to sacrifice to this God?


ccap said...

Wow, some powerful images, some powerful questions. I have no answers (of course) but I do believe it's good that you're asking and good that you're writing it down.

Honesty. It's complicated, ugly and scary sometimes.

Niki said...

Cakes, I read this a few days ago and meant to come back to it sooner to comment. I wasn't sure how to respond, and time didn't allow me to write my thoughts after reading this. And now that I'm back, I'm not even sure what to say.

First of all, is it bad if I start by saying what an amazing writer you are? I hope this a direction you are going to go with your studies, because I think more people should be reading your thoughts and writing.

And wow, a lot you are going through. Just reading this made me wish God could reach out and physically wrap His arms around you and reassure you that He is for you, not against you. And that He understands your fear.

Hope He is doing this tangibly in other ways. Day by day.