Wednesday, March 05, 2008

When should you make a decision?

My friends and loved ones are telling me to wait. Chowder is telling me to wait. Hell! I'm telling me to wait. But why?

Why shouldn't Chowder and I make our respective appointments right now? Me for a hernia repair (ala tummy tuck) and him for the V. Isn't now exactly when we should make these decisions? Before that cruel illusionist, Time, gets his silky smooth hands all over it? Before I am lulled and whispered to believe that things will be different?

Time is not a good addition to judgment. Time is not a wise counselor. Even the pain of childbirth is buffed away. Even the emotional heartache soothed with a balm. It heals us over and makes us feel new again. How many times have we screwed something up? And promised we would change. You almost get into a car accident and then you swear you'll be a more cautious, alert driver to protect yourself and your loved ones. And you are. For a little while and then Time rocks you back into complacency and suddenly you are answering the cell phone again while driving Baby to the supermarket. Your mother is diagnosed with lung cancer and you quit smoking...for a year and then Time erases the risk and you are lighting up again.

I'm not sure waiting until my heart has somehow put itself back together (again!) is really a good plan. I'm here. now. This hurts like shit. physically and emotionally. I'm living the massacre now. I will soon be empty and alone inside myself again. I don't want to do this an eighth, ninth or tenth time! Seven is enough. Hell! Six was enough! but I didn't learn. Time showed up and wrapped me in his silky hypnotic embrace and then his buddy Hope had his turn with me.
No. Now is definitely the time.

6 comments:

gem said...

You are making a lot of sense. I personally believe there isn't a blanket right or wrong time to make major life decisions. People deal with grief differently and there are no rules. What does Chowder think? He probably knows you best. E had his V when I was still pregnant with J. We had been advised not to have any more and so even if things went wrong with the pregnancy that advice wasn't going to change. Of course there were times afterwards when I wished we had waited because maybe another Doctor would have given us different advice, but overall I realise that the advice was good and that I was never going to be fully ready for the decision. I am thinking of you. It's a horrible time.

Mel said...

You write so beautifully. Only you know when it is the right time. When enough is enough, too much in fact.
Sending lotsa SA love your way.
xxx

valerie said...

What can I say? You know yourself better than anyone. That you made it through 7 is incredible - I found 2 hard and when I thought it would be 3 I was devastated. But I've always known that 2 children was right for me - you have the heart for more. I think the fact that Chowder is saying wait (when before he was saying stop) suggests that together you still have room in your lives for more. But maybe, as you say, the more are waiting in another life...

Whatever your decision, you know we're here with hugs and prayers.

emilyp said...

Kate -

I'm just catching up after being out of town. I'm am SO sorry for your loss. There are no other words.

Hugs, my friend -

Emily

Nine-Arrows said...

Oh no, just stumbled upon your blog and this very sad news. I am so sorry! I'll be praying for you and your beautiful family... I always enjoy their photos.

Praying God's light in this darnkess.

IsraeliMom said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. Not sure if there is such a thing as a right thing for that decision. We only have two, and "only" lost one pregnancy ever and we keep thinking whether or not we should close shop for good.
You are so right about time lulling things. It may sound selfish, but only when my youngest turned 4 and was out of our bedroom and sleeping full nights for about a year, did the baby cravings come for me. Until that point, the memories of sleepless nights were still too fresh, I guess.

Whatever you decide, and whenever you do, I hope you'll be making the best decisions for you and your family.