Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Unsaid Prayer

I can't tell you guys how blessed I feel to have people all over the world, from every faith, praying for little Sweeting right now. I can't tell you how much I need this. I need someone else praying these prayers. Because...I can't. I can't bring myself to pray them. I've prayed them too many times and my faith has been shaken to the ground like a bunch of rotten apples around my feet.

I can't say

"Please, God bring this little baby to us. Please let her be born. Please bring her to us so we can love with her and laugh with her and sing with her and fight with her and dance with her and cry with her. Give us the chance to dote on her and learn from her. Let her bring us her stories and her dreams.

Let her feel the warmth of the sun on her face and the wind in her hair and the terror and exhilaration as she rides her bike too fast down the hill. Let her curl her toes in the warm sand as she runs and giggles from the ocean waves. Let her stand in awe at the majesty of your mountains. Let her lie in the summer grass and make wishes on the stars in the sky. Let her shiver with cold as she sleds down the hill with her brothers and sisters.

Let her know amazement at the depth of her own love as she holds her child in her arms. Let her grow healthy and strong full of good food from your bountiful earth. Let her grow in faith and courage as she comes to know and love you.
Please merciful Lord, give us this chance."

I have prayed this prayer until it sounded like a broken record. I have tried praying it a different way. Tried putting emphasis on different words. Tried giving away money. Tried fasting. Tried standing on my head and saying this prayer. But, still I have not found the right combination, the secret code to unlock the promise, "Ask and it shall be given to you."

Instead, I pray this every night...
Thank you for today with little Sweeting.
Please God, can I have another?

15 comments:

Multi-tasking Mom said...

Still praying here that you can have many more days with her.

Jenny said...

I will pray for you and Sweeting.

shaz said...

you'll both be ok, god willing.

love, shaz

Anonymous said...

May the Peace of God surround you, your family and your blessed miracle!! Praying that in the midst of this waiting period, that your mind will dwell on that which has been given (hubby, children, close friends) and your heart will cling hard to the promise you have been given "Ask and it shall be given" God-willing!
Jesus, I pray that this is your will for Cakes! Help her to remain positive in this time and reassure her of your love for her! Wrap her in your loving arms!
anon.

Molly & the boys said...

praying for you, my friend.
blessings,
Molly

Nine-Arrows said...

Praying here for you each day, Kate. May this miracle baby be brought to completion in your arms later this year...

((( HUGS )))

gem said...

I can't think of anything to say other than hang in there and we are all joining our prayers to yours. It's always good to hear from you and a relief to know that things are going ok. Mind youself

Mel said...

Oh Cakes, isn't it just so hard. I pray for peace for you and Chowder, I pray that you will be anxious for nothing, I pray you will feel His presence constantly, that He will meet you exactly where you are at.
I pray that this little poppet will the final 6th last little cherry on top of/in/around you.... the darling Cakes and co.

JLP said...

That is a beautiful prayer. I'll say it and substitute the pronouns.

Misty said...

I don't even have words to soothe or offer comfort. None. But God has warm, secure arms and a great big lap...

Melanie said...

He knows what's in our hearts, even when we can't say the words or know which ones to say. Continuing to pray for you and your little one.

Verbenabeth said...

Praying for you too, Kate. May little Sweeting know the loving touch of her mother's hand and the peace of sleeping in your arms.

Love,
Verbenabeth

Anonymous said...

Bless you for your honesty. I've liked you since I started reading this blog but I think this post made me fall in love with you a little bit. I find the same in our situation, I need others to pray because I feel hollow and broken so very much of the time. Bless you, bless you! And I will pray the prayer for you.

ccap (because it wasn't letting me use my google account)

Paula said...

Praying for you right now, Kate. Hoping things are still OK.

Can I ask you a question? I read back to your Sept. 2007 post, and even followed the link, but I still don't understand how conceiving using fertility treatments prevents you from miscarrying. I know that many of the causes of recurrent miscarriage can be treated before or during pregnancy with med--obviously your problem cannot. If you feel like sharing, I'd be interested in knowing the details.

I will keep praying that this one makes it, Kate.

Omar said...

Your family and you are in my prayers; I'm sure you and all your children/babies will be fine; God has a plan for all of us.