Monday, February 11, 2008

Your kindness...sustains me.

I love the internets. We haven't, of course, told anyone else about this pregnancy. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk about it. Thank you all so much for the kind comments and kinder emails. Many of you have seen me through other miscarriages, some of you through 3 or 4. I appreciate your gentleness with me. I love that for some of you there is such excitement. I hate that that is not how I felt when I found out. Just those horrible feelings of dread. I hate that a new life was created and not celebrated by me. Instead, I was trying to figure out how to distance myself from her so it won't hurt so much when the end comes.

But, I don't know when the end is coming. The reality is I don't know when the end is coming for any of my children. Should I distance myself from them? Just in case? From my husband? And would it matter anyway? Would I really not hurt as much if I lost this baby but had remained "Detached?" No. I would hurt and regret.

Chowder is really fine with the whole thing. He had said he didn't want to go through the rigamarole of trying to get pregnant, and he was worried about me and the losses, but he was never opposed to having more children. He has always wanted a couple of more. He isn't filled with the same dread that I am. I asked him last night if he thought that this little sweeting would make it and he said, "Sure. Why not?" ummmm....you know because of our history?

I think the hardest part for me right now is the guilt. I liken me getting pregnant on my own, to not having your kid in a carseat. Why would you do that when you know it only endangers your child? We are supposed to use medical intervention. I can't help but feel responsible for all of the losses that have come after we found out my diagnosis. I should have protected them better. By preventing pregnancy on my own in the first place. That's what good moms do!

Good moms also love their children for as long as God has blessed their lives with them. I don't know if I have another week, another 6 weeks, another year, another 50 years with this little Sweeting. But God has blessed me with her NOW. So I'll curl around her, and dream about her, and pray over her for as long as I have her. Because dammit, I'm a good mom. and I already love her.

10 comments:

Jenni said...

Sweet Kate, how true it is that we need to love with abandon because we don't know how long we have with anyone in our lives. I am so blessed and humbled by your words...

praying for you and the little one.

ccap said...

Not sure what to say except to say "I was here and I was moved".

Elizabethw said...

Cakes,

Your post so conveys your feelings. I loved reading your thoughts. I am so hoping this pregnancy will result in a precious little baby. You are an amazing person and awesome mom.

Hugs, Elizabeth

Mel said...

Glad you are back, I have checked every day just in case!! I felt bad that I felt so excited for you, like I was being insensitive. Just can't help it! Losing Mia has changed my whole outlook on loving my kids. I appreciate every day and I know we have no guarantees of how long I get to keep them. I have also seen what God has done in Mia's parent's lives and how he has sustained them. My fear has gone.
I understand your caution and your fear of more heartache. I understand your inevitable love you have for this baby too. You are a great mom, she is a lucky little babe. Praying His peace for you!

valerie said...

{{Hugs}} Thinking of you constantly.

Melanie said...

How true!

You and your little one have been in my thoughts and prayers, Kate. (((HUGS)))

lesleysmeshly said...

*Hugs* Your post brought me to tears. I am not a religious person by any means, but God gave you this gift, there should be no guilt, only happiness. My mom always tells me things have a way of working out as they should and I shouldn't questions God's plan. Enjoy it as much as you can.
As for being a bad mom, I think the exact opposite. You are a wonderful, loving, kind, and passionate mother. You should be proud.

Marlee said...

Such a moving post. {{Hugs}} and prayers for you and your little one.

julie said...

Hi Kate,

Wow, I just poped in to say hi and saw your big news. I am excited for you and yet can totally understand your uneasyness. I have been where you are many times. You and your little one are in my prayers. This little baby is so blessed to have you as her mommy.

God Bless,
Julie

Multi-tasking Mom said...

I do understand the conflict you must feel. You are such an amazing mother, and once again, your words inspire me.