Monday, September 17, 2007

to my 11th Darling One...my 6th lost one

on holding you for the first and last time this morning, so quiet in your milky little bubble the size of a large bean.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry your mother's body has betrayed you.
I'm sorry that I wasted a week and a half of knowing you because I was too chicken to find out for sure.
I'm sorry I misunderstood my own words about God's faithfulness.
I'm sorry.

Please know that for those 3 days we knew you were there, that your Dad and I giggled with excitement and fear. We planned where you would sleep. We planned your beautiful Spring birthday. Something we've never had! We worried about telling our families and hearing the negative responses (as if the 6th baby is less wanted than the first or second.) We played with names and wondered at your personality. We pictured your blue eyes and blond hair. I slept curled up around you, my hand holding you. wishing that my love could keep you safe.

But always in the back of our minds, starting each thought and sentence was "If."
"If this little one makes it..."

so, little Sweeting....

I just can't bring myself to say, "Goodbye."

10 comments:

Valerie said...

oh, Cakes, I'm so sorry...

Molly said...

I am so sorry......

Asha said...

cakes, i just want to hug you. I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

KellyLynn said...

I am so sorry, *hugs*

Tertia said...

I'm so sorry my friend

shaz said...

oh no cakes... sorry. xoxox

JLP said...

Oh no, cakes. So sorry.

Mel said...

So sorry for you and your hubby and your other precious kids.

lesleysmeshly said...

Oh honey, I am so very sorry. *Hugs*

Julie said...

I am so far behind, and so terribly sorry I couldn't make some small offer of condolences earlier.

I don't know anyone who takes greater joy from a house full of kids than you do. I am sorry this baby couldn't be among them.