to my 11th Darling One...my 6th lost one

on holding you for the first and last time this morning, so quiet in your milky little bubble the size of a large bean.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry your mother's body has betrayed you.
I'm sorry that I wasted a week and a half of knowing you because I was too chicken to find out for sure.
I'm sorry I misunderstood my own words about God's faithfulness.
I'm sorry.

Please know that for those 3 days we knew you were there, that your Dad and I giggled with excitement and fear. We planned where you would sleep. We planned your beautiful Spring birthday. Something we've never had! We worried about telling our families and hearing the negative responses (as if the 6th baby is less wanted than the first or second.) We played with names and wondered at your personality. We pictured your blue eyes and blond hair. I slept curled up around you, my hand holding you. wishing that my love could keep you safe.

But always in the back of our minds, starting each thought and sentence was "If."
"If this little one makes it..."

so, little Sweeting....

I just can't bring myself to say, "Goodbye."