Thursday, September 27, 2007

Marriage is not for sissies.

The guys in this picture left to right are Chris (my cousin's husband), James (my cousin), and of course Chowder and Meatball. Chris and James were hiding on the side of the beach house so they could be disgusting and dip. Chowder and Meatball are making fun of them.

Chowder and Chris, as I wrote before, are quite a pair. Well, truth is we both love him. Eily and Chris are two of our favorite people. When we are together we have so much fun and laugh until our cheeks hurt and we're about to throw up. It's so great going to family get togethers because we know we will have a great time. The kids adore both of them and Chris is just one of those natural fun kids guys. You know the kind. Eily is Ladybug's godmother. She's always been my "Crazy Cousin Eily."

and now they are getting divorced.

Chowder and I are just reeling from it. Nobody else knows (so Brother if you are reading this, keep your yapper shut.) We knew nothing of the problems until Labor Day weekend when we were in Chicago for another wedding. Chris ended up going home early. Eily told us everything. And Chowder and I felt a big hole open up in our chests because there was nothing we could do. The marriage is only a year and a half old and the very premise of it is flawed. Both of them were missing so much of the point. Both are to blame. We wanted to shake them both and tell them that they are missing it completely. Missing the work. Missing the joy. Missing the surrender. Missing the partnership. Missing the very key part that makes it work. that gets you through all the other stuff.

Both of them were too afraid to give it up to the other. And folks, you gotta give it up. I've done it both ways. I was married once before Chowder. Married for two and half years. But, I never gave it up and neither did he. We both wanted to hold onto our separate identities and not have to lose anything in the bargain. Well, we lost. we lost the whole thing.

I know it's not very hip these days to talk about giving up yourself to another person, but from where I'm standing the whole "don't lose yourself" thing is a bunch of smoke and mirrors. If you don't want to lose yourself, don't get married. period. The whole point is losing yourself and then combined you make something amazing. You make a marriage.

well, I won't wop all my philosophy on marriage on you. But, now what? Chowder and I are hurting for these two. We are hurting for what they have lost. For what they dreamed of but fell short because of fear. We frustrated because they could have been so great together. And there is our own loss. We lose Chris. We lose the four of us. That's it.

I'm going to go snuggle in with Chowder now. go hold on. go lose myself. because we are all about the "whole being better than the sum of its parts."

6 comments:

annie said...

Great commentary on marriage... so sorry for your friends (hopefully they'll read this!)

Jenni said...

Oh how devastating. Is there any hope at all that they would go to counselling together?

But I do so love your thoughts on marriage.

shaz said...

great points Cakes. I am so sorry for them... and you guys. :(
I completely agree with you.

Anonymous said...

My heart always breaks when I hear of someone getting divorced. So sorry but let's not give up yet. I think all the clappies should pray for them. Are they Lordy?
Marriage is hard work but the reward is so worth it.
I have just done an ALPHA marriage course. Was brilliant.
Mel

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your words...you have no idea how much of an impact they have had on me tonight. I feel like I am losing myself in my marriage and contemplating divorce because I feel that I can't be "myself" anymore. Anyway, I googled "losing yourself in a marriage" and your blog popped up. First time I have ever seen your blog. And your reflection on marriage is so incredibly powerful. Makes me realize that losing myself may not be such a bad thing after all... Thanks again.

Cakes said...

Anonymous, I will hold you in my prayers and positive thoughts.