Do you have friends?

I mean real friends? Ok. so yes, I am going through a bit of the babyblues (don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on it) and this has put me in a hyper-sensitive state. Pair this with not wanting to end up bitter and alone with my liquor like my mom and you have some uberanalysis going on. And it is far from scientific.

I have told you all about not being any fun. But, it turns out that I am also not very good at being friends. It takes a special person to be with me. Luckily, I married such a person. Dearie is my best friend. We've been friends for 19 years. This is a wonderful wonderful thing. But, I'd really like to have a friend outside of my marriage as well. A friend who is a woman and a mom and wants to hang out. I've never been good at being friends with women. I'm not sure where I go wrong, but I definitely do go wrong. I do have a group of women that I hang out with once a month who truly like me and we enjoy each other's company, but I only hear from them the rest of the month through email. I have had close friends in my past...well, two. But one turned completely toxic and the other lives in Ohio (I don't).

I don't know if this is a common mom thing/SAHM thing/homeschooling mom thing/lots of kids mom thing or a Cakes thing. When I first moved back here, an old friend called me regularly and wanted to do things but then I go through cocoon periods where I just want to be alone. I lost her during one of these. I have tried to make new friends, but I don't make good impressions. Especially now with the baby blues thing. I was in Baby and Me Yoga today, a perfect opportunity to meet moms in my area, and by the end of class I realized I hadn't smiled at anyone the whole class. No smile. at all.

So here I am, wallowing in my isolation. The very isolation that I created for myself. I'm trying to reach out. Trying to force myself to talk to people. I desperately need to talk to people. But the problem is that I don't want to right now. Ok. tomorrow I will talk to someone. maybe even smile and be friendly. I'm not a snob. I'm not a bitch. I'm not even an uppity pastor's wife. but I'm afraid that is exactly the impression that I give.

At least I have 6 people in this very house who like me and like being with me. They even actually seek me out to be with. Need to focus on that.