Friday, October 27, 2006

You're no fun anymore...

This has become a running joke with Dearie and me. He likes to tell me that I'm no fun anymore. The truth of the matter is that I have never been fun. Seriously. Now, don't get me wrong. If we went out you'd have a good time. I am actually quite funny. But, not fun. I will never be the girl who drags you to all the clubs, or dances on the table (ok, a couple of times. but I had been partaking in adult beverages. perhaps I was, as my family says "overserved"), I won't run off and do silly things. It just isn't who I am. I am much more at home in the corner of a pub with a glass of Beamish. (Sorry, Julie, my family comes from Cork. You can still have your Guiness)

You see, I am a Melancholic. It's ok. That description is a little on the dramatic side. I'm not that bad. It's just the temperament God gave me. But, the problem with this temperament is that it's not especially compatible with 4 children 4 and under. Especially since I have a sanguine daughter. We couldn't be more different. I have come to forcing myself to be more peppy. more perky. I also have to force myself to be socialable, because let's face it, a gloomy pastor's wife does very little to help his career and smooth the relationship between him and the church. It can be exhausting. I'd rather take a nap.

Some of my friends have asked me if I'm worried about "losing myself" because I "fake it" so much. But, I don't think so. or maybe. but would that be so bad? I know that my temperament has many strengths that I am proud of, including a strong sense of social justice, but there are also some very dark sides that must be fought against to bring about a better balance. If I just hang out in my gloomy world simply because it's "authentic" what does that get me? Don't we all need to fight against our demons inside?

I mean really, how bad can it be when at the end of the day, my kids are happy and feeling secure, I'm feeling good because I had a good parenting day, Dearie's church members feel listened to and important? How bad can it be that I had to force it? And by forcing it, don't we end up bringing about a transformation in ourselves? When I wake up gloomy and force a happy face, I tend to surprise myself midmorning when I realize I am genuinely in a good mood. Isn't the perfect me, that me created in God's image that I am trying to uncover, worth a little "forcing?"

I'll never be fun. I'll never be Miss America. I'll never be surrounded by a big group of friends. But "Schubert, in his Psychology, says of the melancholic nature: 'It has been the prevailing mental disposition of the most sublime poets, artists, of the most profound thinkers, the greatest inventors, legislators, and especially of those spiritual giants who at their time made known to their nations the entrance to a higher and blissful world of the Divine, to which they themselves were carried by an insatiable longing.'"

Hey! That's pretty cool, too. Maybe even cooler than dancing on tables.