Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I've been bugging him and bugging him and today he made THE appointment.

For Sept 17th. For the big V. I really really know that it is for the best and just yesterday I was thinking how wonderful it will be to clean out all the boy baby clothes and what a relief it is to be almost done with my reproductive years. Like, I actually felt a physical relief.

As most of you know, getting pregnant is such an endeavor and then there's the whole staying pregnant part that I'm not so good at, followed by the difficult pregnancy itself.(prenatal asthma, varicose veins everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, carpal tunnel, headaches, etc. etc.) I'm actually worried about how long I'll breastfeed this time because I'm not feeling particularly enthusiastic. Usually the mere thought of nursing a baby just melts me, but this time it seems more annoying. (I'm hoping that holding the baby herself will change that.)

I've been looking forward to being able to be on my OCD medication again, and be able to sleep again so I can be a MUCH better mom than this crazy exhausted shrew I have been. I was so psychologically and physically done this morning.

But still...

This afternoon I had that dream again. 6 chairs were filled. 1 was empty. Am I going to spend the rest of my life staring at that empty chair? I'm a completely rational person. There is no real reason for having another child. It wasn't like anyone, including me, really noticed at the table. Or felt sad. or even acknowledged that there was someone missing. But, my mind's eye could not stop seeing it.

empty.

3 comments:

Mel said...

I have finally figured out that some women will ALWAYS want another baby. You will see someone with more kids than you and feel a little envious. I wish I had 4 kids, I am really sorry I didn't and so cross with myself that we did the vasectomy. That empty chair will always exist for some of us regardless of how many critters we have. Tell Chowder Gary is a big baby and he even drove himself to work the same day so it is minor! Can't wait to meet Sweeting, post a pic of your preg belly for us!

valerie said...

I think it's interesting that your dream changes to fill the chairs. Maybe the last chair will be filled in a different way.

Guess I should be more vocal in bugging my own dh.

Jenni said...

(((((Kate)))))