Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Momma Trauma

There is nothing quite like a nice little break down in the Sam's Club. You know what I'm talking about, folks. A good old fashioned public weeping. Yeah?

I had one tonight.

and out of the clear blue. I got my 10 gallons of milk? check. My 4lbs of butter? check. 15 lbs of sugar? check. I check everything off of my list and head through the book aisle. Sometimes something screams out to me. This time, not really. But I see some bible studies from the Women of Faith series. I'm not always fully aligned with their views on Christianity, but you never know when God is going to poke you in the eye. So, I pick up "Embracing God's Design for Your Life" and I start paging through it. My thoughts? Nah. too much work! Jeez all these questions! And I hate bible studies that are biblical treasure hunts. First read this verse in Isaiah and then move along to this verse in 1 Corinthians and then off to Psalms. Enough already!! Pick a verse and let's go with that! *pant pant*

Anyway, so I've decided "no dice" and I'm about to put it down and that's when God gives me a big ole poke in the eye.

"Do you know what my two favorite things about you are, Mom?" my son asked me one day. "I like that you love your life, Mom, and I get to be in it."
Wha? What? Holy Kamoly, people! Why don't you just poke me in my other eye and put me out of my misery?! So, right there in the book aisle of Sam's Club...I crumbled.

I do love my life. But, do my kids know that? Do they only see me struggling through? When I am shuffling them out of the way so I can make their dinner or clean the bathroom or do their laundry? When I let out a sigh that the shakes the eaves of this house? When I become overrun with resentment toward Chowder? Can they think they are anything but a burden to me? My heart breaks just imagining this feeling in my children.

I come from a long line of martyrs. I wish they were of the faith persuasion, but know they are of the lifestyle persuasion. I still don't think my mother truly is glad that I am her child. I know I don't get the feeling that her grandchildren are a joy to her. Sometimes, I can feel myself modeling this same victimhood to my children. I hate it! I hate to my core! And I struggle to make it go away. But, it feels so deep inside me. It feels so much a part of who I am. But, it isn't true. It isn't real. It isn't the person the God created. And it certainly is not the person I want my children to grow up with.

So, yep. Sam's Club got an extra $5.99 of my money tonight. Looks like I have some work to do. Prayers? if you got 'em.


Kellylynn said...

Interesting... definitly food for thought. I have to say my mom loves me and showed me love, i think life might have overwhelmed her sometimes ( she was always a SAHM) Even in those times i never doubted her love. I think it was a learning experince. I knew it was OK to feel lots of different emotions and express them, without feeling if i feel certain ways someone would STOP loving me.

Anonymous said...

WOW, that is real food for thought. I hope my kids know how much joy they bring me and how I do love my life and them in it. Sometimes they say stuff like... is it very hard being a mommy or I feel sorry for you Mommy and I have to perk up a bit and quit the sighing and moaning.
That bath pic of your kids is so gorgeous. They look pretty happy even with a sighing Mama!
Mel xx

Cakes said...

Kellylynn~You are very lucky! That is exactly how I want to be with my kids!

Mel~Doesn't it kill you when they call you on it? But thank God they do!

Jenni said...

I come from a long line of sigh-ers too. Prayers for both of us. Let us know if the rest of the book is any good.

Anonymous said...

My Grandchildren bring great joy to my life....but, I think that my "mother, the martyr" was never able to enjoy the feeling, because she was too unhappy, and angry. The best thing she gave me, was great motivation to show my love to my children, and their children.

Ann said...

Isn't it amazing what kids blind side you with? I hope my kids can say that about me--I also come from a long line of martyrs.