Friday, October 20, 2006

Speaking of Faith

Turns out I don't have any.

I've been thinking and praying about this a lot lately. A couple of things really got me examining this. First, the book If You Want to Walk On Water You've Got to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg and then the book The Myth of a Christian Nation by Gregory Boyd. In Ortberg's book he discusses our comfort zone as our boat. The things that we can't leave behind to be in full communion with Christ. In Boyd's book, he discusses our patriotism as a form of idolatry.

Now, patriotism is not my problem...but my family is. I don't trust God with my family. There I said it. I realize that Christianity/Catholicism has become a "lifestyle" for me instead of a pure expression of my faith. I read my bible every night, I pray and examine my conscience, I confess, I look for inspiration and how to better order my life. You see, I acknowledge Christianity as a wonderful, ethical, moral way to live your life. The loving your neighbor, the letting go of materialism, the caring for the poor and oppressed, the sacrificing yourself for those around you. I even use the bible as my primary parenting manual. I start and end each day looking at my parenting and whether I am expressing God's love to HIS children in a way that is fitting to the responsibility I have been given in raising them. And ditto for my marriage.

Sounds great, huh? But, I now realize I am nothing but a clanging gong. I don't trust God. He is too unpredictable for my tastes. He makes me nervous. Let's face it, there are plenty of good faithful people who have horrible things happen to their families. Hell, look at Job! Sure he got replacements for everything in the end, but I don't want any replacements, thank you very much. I want everyone that I have right now. safe. here. with me. You can have the house, the van, the life savings, but leave my family alone. They have become my idol.

I know what I have to do. I know that somehow I have to turn them over to his care. to truly believe that my children are first and foremost HIS children. But, the reality is. I don't want to. I'm too scared. I know that I can only protect my family with God's help. But that's just where I like it. With God helping me.

ugh. I have a lot of work to do. my boat is too comfy. I guess that leads me back to one of my favorite hymns but with less organ.

2 comments:

Julie said...

Less organ, but more cowbell.

Glad you're back and posting.

Cakes said...

Have we actually discussed this?! Dearie has the More Cowbell Tshirt. His love of the cowbell is what cemented him as a Pavement fan.