...to be a daughter's mother

If this little girl, this one with the goofy grin in her Snow White costume, this curious one who loves finding tadpoles, this sweet dear one that gives the best cuddles, this one that you waited so many years to have and fought so hard to keep safe until she was ready to be born, came up to you and said, "Mommy, why won't the other girls let me play with them?" would you crumble inside? Would you gather her into your lap and just cry? Because it was all I could do to not cry. All I could do to not walk over to the other little girl and put her over my knee. All I could do to stop the flash of all the other little girls that will make my daughter hurt, doubt herself, wonder what is wrong with her.

I don't know that I handled it well. I don't think I did. I said loud enough for the other two girls to hear, that sometimes girls were just mean. Some girls just don't know how to play with more than one other girl. Why? I don't know, but I do know that it hurts our feelings. Jellybean, doesn't understand girls. She gets so excited when there are other girls around because she has three brothers. And most girls and other kids in general absolutely love her. Love to play with her. She's sweet and fun and can play soccer as easily as dolls.

Unfortunately, there is one girl that does not like our daughter. or any of our kids, come to think of it. And more unfortunately, Janey is the daughter of my husband's best friend. I hate when we get together as families. And that is so hard because I love this couple. The wife is in my book/dinner club. She is so funny and irreverent and smart. But their kids...that's another story. You see, Jellybean was playing just fine with Katie, another 4 year old girl, after Janey refused to talk to her. (Before we went to this BBQ, Jellybean actually asked me what she should do if Janey wouldn't talk to her. I told her their would be plenty of other girls there, too.) Well, Janey finally decided SHE wanted to play with Katie and as quick as can be, Jellybean was cut off. Just like that. and they are only FOUR years old! Jellybean tried several brave times to get back into the action, but eventually played with her brothers and then by herself.

I know it is this one girl's problem, not Jellybean's. Plenty of kids like her. But think about it. Doesn't the one that doesn't like you begin to overpower all the others in your mind? You don't think about them. You focus in on why this ONE person doesn't like you and what must be wrong with you. And then I have to pray and pray that I am not also contributing to that feeling. When my ears are so exhausted from listening to her nonstop talk that I honestly fear they will fall right off. When she wants to be me so much that there isn't a chore that is too mundane for her to superglue herself at my side so she can attempt it. I pray that I am not mean, that I can be that reflection of Divine love, that I can help build a self-esteem so strong that no one can touch it. I thank God everyday that Jellybean will soon have a sister, God willing. And that eventhough there will be four years between them, Flea will always think that Jellybean is the greatest.

And when they are grown they will have each other. Sisters.

Last night my dinner club went out to a restaurant that Zagat's has rated in the top 10 in the nation. It was phenomenal. To my surprise, I walk in and at the reservation desk is standing a a man I was very good friends with in high school. A man I used to go to concerts with all the time. Everyone from 10,000 Maniacs to Nine Inch Nails (The Pretty Hate Machine tour.) We always had a great time. Unfortunately, it turns out he also had a monster crush on me. I seriously, had no idea. he never breathed a word. I ended up marrying another friend we hung out with in high school. ouch! Well, now he is Executive Chef of this restaurant.

The sad thing was, I was so happy to see him. I really liked him alot. He was such a fun, good friend. He came around and gave me a hug and we tried to chit chat, but it was crazy awkward. (I think it had a lot to do with the Hilary Clinton hair that I'm sporting right now while I try to grow it out. Honestly, yesterday I finished drying it kind of down and Dearie gave me a bit of a grimace. I told him to stop looking at me like that. He said, "Like what?" I said, "Like, 'Nice wig.'" It's very very bad right now.) Anyway, he was just weird. And that made me sad.

But then, after we had all ordered (they have this great 1/2 entree for 1/2 price thing so you can basically order two entrees and get to try lots of stuff) well, suddenly this other food starting appearing that wasn't even on the menu! Compliments, you know. And it was all incredibly tasty. I ordered The Pan Roasted Marinated Chicken with Local Yard Bean and Sweet Corn Succotash, Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Corn Sauce AND Char-Grilled Hanger Steak with Amish Blue Cheese “Tater Tots”, Creamed Local Spinach, Collinsville Horseradish. Blue cheese tater tots?! They were incredible! Yummy yummy yummy,

Then, we were debating deserts and we ordered, but out came our waitress with this three-tierd tray with basically two of every desert on the menu, plus this custom arrangement of goat cheeses...I was in heaven and shoveling the stuff in left and right. I had to be rolled out of the restaurant. And I thought, phew! I must have misread that whole encounter. I mean crap! It's Friday night at this hot restaurant and he's the freakin EXECUTIVE CHEF!! Well, we spent 3 hours there eating and drinking (1 glass of red wine, people, relax!) and I asked my waitress if he had time to come out and say good bye so we could thank him. The waitress came back and told us he was cleaning himself up and would be out in a second.

He came out, we ooohed and aaaahed and thanked him. But again, he was really really... weird. Not at all comfortable talking to me. And I left, sad. My friends agreed with my assessment so I know it isn't just my paranoia. And it's bothering me. I'm thinking about sending a simple thank you note and then just leaving it alone. But would that be appropriate? And I loved the restaurant and I know Dearie would love it too. I don't want him to think he has to do special treats if I come back. He invited Dearie and I to come in, but from his weirdness, I don't know if he really means it. It seems tacky to me. But, it's not like I can sneak in, if he came out and saw me...that would be really tacky.

ugh! maybe I should just leave it alone, alone.